I’ve had a lot on my mind for the last couple of days. Nevermind.
I’ve had a lot on my mind for the last couple of years. It never really seems to stop. I simply solve a problem, or process through an idea, and another one takes it’s place the next day. Such is life. Such is growing up. It makes me laugh in a sort of sad way sometimes when I realize that I respond to people’s questions with, generally, the same answers. I’m busy. I’ve been working a lot. I’m tired. Things are good. I suppose in the back of my mind I am hoping those answers will change. But I don’t know.
As I was driving home yesterday from work I had a thought. A thought outside all the other thoughts. I began to imagine my life without God. Rather, I began to imagine my life without the hope of God. What would things be like without the hope that there is something far greater than me? Someone so far beyond me that the petty chatter of my mind falls at his feet as a quiet whisper. It was reassuring, I assure you.
Donald Miller talks about how he needs the belief in God, and I am beginning to understand what he means. I appreciate his honesty because there have been many times in my earlier life where I would struggle to answer the questions of pessimists. “How can you believe in a god that…(fill in your own experience).” My typical reaction was to probably turn red in the face and keep my hands at my side. In my mind the desire to love my enemy, and the desire to vanquish my enemy clashed in debate. Then, typically, I would go into an answer filled with half-memorized scripture, and the regurgitation of stuff from several different pastors, from several different churches, with several different beliefs that I had picked up and stored on the way.
It sucked.
Looking back on those times wishing I knew then what I know now (as I am unsure that I know anything more or less than those times I have chosen to change this statement) Looking back on those times wishing I felt then what I feel now I picture myself with a very different reaction:
I don’t know.
I had a professor once ask me how I could believe in a god that would willingly slaughter the world and choose only one to spare. I tried to answer his question. What the hell was I thinking?
I don’t know.
I’ve had kids ask me how I could believe in a god that I can neither see nor hear.
I don’t know.
My point is that the people asking the questions have valid questions and ideas. Questions that, if I am honest with myself, should make me question the very thing that I believe. And as I ask myself these very questions I am learning, and becoming ok with responding with a great big I don’t know! The funny thing is, my unknowing is incredibly reassuring. Because the truth is, I don’t need to know! Its all a learning process right?
For instance, I just learned today that one of my closest friend’s birthday is tomorrow. I have known him for a few years now. I have poured my heart out to him and he has done the same with me. And I just learned a key ingredient to him. The point I am trying to make is that in relationship it is ok to not have all the facts; it is ok to not be sure of everything.
God is not a thesis. God is not a spreadsheet, or a list of bullet points. Dare I say, God is not a fact.
God is, however, a beautiful thought; one that I choose to believe is true. And as I go on with my life, as the gray matter behind my forehead continues to take me through my day, I love when those moments come; those surprising moments where I say:
Oh yea! There is someone much bigger than me.
…and I choose to put all my hope in Him.
